Monsters. The dark. Dogs. A friend's Halloween mask. Thunder. Children may be frightened of so many things. Some fears seem logical; others don't. Understanding child development helps us know what to do to help children cope with their fears.
- Anika (22 months) was watching her parents get ready for a Halloween party. She seemed to enjoy it until Daddy put on his mask. Her face puckered up and she turned away, even when Daddy tried to reassure her by saying, “Anika, it’s still me. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
- Brett (30 months) was playing happily outdoors when the family child care provider began to drag the hose out to fill the wading pool. The hose snaked from its pile across the grass, and Brett went running away.
- Nicholas (age 1) arrived earlier than usual at his family child care provider’s home. She was still putting on her makeup and didn’t have her glasses on. He refused to go to her and looked very puzzled.
Older preschool-aged children may be afraid of other categories of things: monsters, the dark, or animals. Sometimes they are afraid because they have seen others be afraid or because they have had a frightening experience themselves — watching too many scary movies or being lost in the store. And sometimes they are just afraid for reasons we adults cannot comprehend. Most fears will disappear with time, as children develop a better cognitive understanding that people and things stay the same regardless of their outward appearance and that objects are not really alive.
TIPS
In the meantime, you can help children cope with their fears by taking their fears seriously and reassuring children that we will keep them safe. Children need our calm explanations, even though they may not yet be quite ready to fully understand them.
It’s not enough, however, to tell children, as Anika’s father did, “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” For there is indeed something to be afraid of or the child would not have reacted in fear! Instead, acknowledge the child’s fear in the language most comfortable for the child: “I can see this mask really scared you.” Try to change the situation: “Here, let me take it off.” Then reassure the child: “See, it’s Daddy underneath. I just put on this silly mask for Halloween. I’m sorry it scared you.”
Obviously, masked parties (Halloween, Mardi Gras) are not a good idea for most young children. Even some kindergarten children have trouble dealing with masks. If you celebrate these or similar events, stick to simple costumes and a touch of makeup. Meanwhile, play “Peek-A-Boo,” “Hide and Seek,” and other games that help children figure out how the world works.
Pretend play is a marvelous way to help children deal with their fears. With a few carefully selected and non-threatening props, they can act out the situations you know are scary for them. Let the children choose the play for themselves so they can feel in control of the situation. Most children can work through their fears by playing them out and channeling their aggression in safe ways during play with themes such as visits to the doctor or scary movies.
Reading books may help children see how others have coped with similar fears. One favorite is Milk and Cookies (Asch, 1982) about a fire-breathing dragon in the basement. Ask your librarian to help you find others related to the fears the children in your group have.
Children who are afraid of animals or other specific things may be helped by gradually introducing smaller, quieter replicas of the same item. For instance, you might help a child who is afraid of cats by doing several related things that gradually help the child adjust to more intense experiences over a period of time: put a cat puzzle together, look at pictures and books with cats, pet a stuffed animal that looks like a cat, take a walk through the neighborhood to look for cats, and perhaps finally actually touch one of the furry creatures. Never rush a child, and be sure to stop if the child indicates either with words or behavior that the experience is frightening.
Sometimes a lighthearted approach works:
Four-year-old Tracy was afraid of sleeping in her own room. Her parents tried a nightlight. That didn’t help. They tried sitting with her while she fell asleep, but she would wake up when they left.
Finally, in frustration, her parents talked with her teacher about what might be the problem. Tracy’s teacher suggested they talk with her about why she was having difficulty sleeping in her room. They did, and learned she was afraid a bad witch lived under her bed. The Tooth Fairy had visited her older sister and apparently this idea was translated into a bad witch for Tracy.
That night a few minutes before bedtime, Mommy and Tracy went to her room. Mommy bent over to look under the bed. “OK, witch,” she said in a gruff voice. “It’s time to get out of Tracy’s room. She wants to sleep. SCAT!” Mommy playfully chased the invisible witch out the window. Together, she and Tracy waved goodbye.
Your listening skills are essential when you talk with children about what they fear. Questions such as “And then what do you think would happen?” or “What would you do if ….?” may help children figure out how to deal with the problem themselves. As always, try to stay away from questions that have just a yes or no answer, and use the child’s home language.
Fears in general are another area in which you need to work closely with parents. Your support and their parents’ understanding will help children feel protected. Together, you can help eliminate much of the stress of growing up.
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